LOVE THAT WRECKS US

There is love that breaks us inward, and then there’s the kind that wrecks the body without ever touching the soul.

There was a time I loved with everything in me—though it didn’t start out that way. I liked him, I did. And I was seduced by the things he teased: a better life, no sorrow. It wasn’t about riches, because I married for love—and love was his currency. I thought I might finally be happy. I might finally sleep without sorrow. I might finally be okay, because someone finally, truly loved me.

But he didn’t love me. He loved the concept of marriage and didn’t want to be left out, since all his friends were getting married. He was irresponsible, reckless, and stupid too—if I’m being honest. But I married for love. Not because I loved him, but because he seemed to love me. Because he needed me—and I had nothing. Not really.

It was a whirlwind romance. He was perfect. It was new. I had never been the object of anyone’s affections before, and the promises he made only made him more appealing.

But the moment I said “I do,” my world turned inside out, and his words meant nothing anymore.

He hit me, beat me, and destroyed my self-esteem. He wrecked my body to the point where my hair was falling out, my liver was damaged, and I was diagnosed with hypertension and acute diabetes. I suffered a mild stroke and had lymphatic system damage—and it was all happening at once. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and carried trauma that wouldn’t let go of my head or heart. I was destroyed. I walked around waiting to die.

Like a smile that never quite reaches the eyes, his love was never real—so only hatred touched my soul. His hatred. Because even as he broke me, I loved him. There’s a medical term for that too, but I can’t remember it right now.

Love lingers. Love heals. Love holds. It never wrecks or wreaks havoc.

Though sometimes the people who claim to love us can destroy mind, body, and soul, it’s a misrepresentation to call that love. Love repairs—it doesn’t rend. It comforts—it doesn’t condemn. It constructs—it doesn’t demolish.

So guard your heart. And in addition, guard your mind. Because just like refined sugar—which the brain loves because it’s sweet and easily broken down for energy—it doesn’t mean it’s good for the body. And your gut will be the first organ to say, “Hey, this feels like love, tastes like love… but you’re about to need a washout and some pre/probiotics, because you’re about to be inflamed and covered in skin ulcers and rashes.”

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