THE DEVIL TRIED IT and I FELT LIKE A FOOL

I'm not exactly sure when I started liking him, but if I could pinpoint a single time when the feelings were undeniable, it was this year, and it started with a touch. He touched my neck; he wiped away my sweat. I was always aware that he had a crush on me from prior years, but I didn't pay any attention to it. I didn't entertain it. I couldn't. I didn't care who liked me or why. I didn't have time to waste on relationships. He started paying more attention to me and chatting me up every time he saw me, and I noticed, but I wasn't lonely enough to care. I considered him a friend—though not so much now, because "friend" is not a word I use casually anymore. I did that a lot in my teenage years and quickly learned the detriment.

Okay, let me bring it back. I became determined and even more passionate about serving God, even if it would be to my detriment—it didn't matter. I will serve God till the end. My desire is to have a heart posture like Samuel did, as evidenced by 1 Samuel 3:10.

Back to the story: I really respected him and the way he was. He seemed to have direction and to be equally hardworking. I tried not to think of him beyond that scope, even though he was saying all the right things. The thing is, I used to have a penchant for projects, and the men only carried potential or had it thrust upon them by women who leaked a hero mentality. My marriage and the brokenness of it taught me never to date, entertain, or marry potential—especially potential with no evidence of progress.

I didn't really know a lot about him, and whenever I saw him, he was always working. He would always hug me, and I could tell that maybe it was more than just liking me; maybe he was siphoning my energy, but my discernment was blindsided by my need to be held. I knew it, but I wanted to be held, and aside from him, there was only another gentleman I knew whose hugs were as warm as a home—and it wasn't sexual or anything intimate. Their hugs just made me feel better: warm, cozy, soft.

He was less so than the other person. His were very comforting, but not to the same degree as the other person. But he was the one I liked for some strange reason, and the way I liked him jumped out at me like a monster from behind a dark alley dumpster. It was so unexpected, so unassuming. He once snuck up to me on the road and held my hand, and of course, my response was guarded, and I was ready to fight. I have a fight versus flight response. I am least likely to back down or run away—wisdom applied, of course.

He started to show more interest but at the same time he tried to play it cool—with zero sophistication and zero emotional intelligence. After feeling as though I was chasing, I decided to release whatever it was that I may have thought we had, and I bowed out gracefully and honestly. I felt like a fool. I gave so much time and effort and received so little back because I liked him so much. 

There wasn't much to ground that like on but for some reason I had been hook line and sinking. 

He wasn't happy about me ending something that didn't even start, but I am a woman, and I really love clarity. I have no patience for games or men who want to be the hunted. When I saw him again a month or so later, he was not smiling when I waved good morning and greeted him and his acquaintances with bubbly, nonchalant energy. I had long forgotten our false start, and I released him and what I hoped would be.

I took note of his vexation and continued on about my day. My personality bore no casualties. I am who I am; I am never bitter. I don't do malice. It takes too much energy to foster hate. I usually just say what I have to say, respectfully, whether you deserve it or not, and move on.

I saw him again soon after, and this time he smiled. He even approached me, and we hugged briefly but without hurt or animosity. I left, and he came to me saying we needed to talk. I wasn't ready for a lecture, but I braced for it, and it was surprisingly not a painstaking conversation. We ended up laughing about what happened, and he asked me for my number because his phone was stolen, and he had a new number.

Hang in there, I'm getting to the point.

This time he initiated, and I let him keep initiating. He said he was traditional, so I let him hunt. His text presence was very shallow and didn't really hold or gauge my interest. I also found myself getting frustrated as much as I was distracted. He called, and the conversation was good but bland. In the end, he asked me to wake him for work, but that fell flat—as 15 calls and 1 video call later, he didn't wake. I left a message, more like a prayer, because it seemed work was super important to him, but by this point, I was over it and done. I knew I wouldn't reengage because the like seemed to have dried up on my end. I saw his messages; they held no accountability, no moisture, so I didn't go into the chat or respond. I didn't care or feel frustrated or feel anything at all, so I didn't think about it.

Then I realized that during the time I was trying to engage or start or participate in whatever I wanted it to be, I was distracted. I was distracted from my problems, the issues that were overwhelming and overtaking me, but I was also distracted from prayer, from Bible study, from spending time and thought with God. I was sidetracked, and my ministry sidelined. I also realized that I didn't actually like him. I liked the connection and the chemistry I felt from his touch—the warmth of his hug, the way his arms closed around me and said he needed me. His words held no merit when put to the test.

Now I can't just guard my heart. I have to guard my spirit and energy too.

I am now back on track and focused. The feeling I had was as though I had strayed from my purpose. Something felt off, and I couldn't name it. It was a weird feeling in my gut because I was preoccupied with things that weren't helping me grow in any way, and my prayer life was under attack and seemingly drying up. I prayed. I repented. I refocused.

The truth is I wanted him so badly that I made the time, never sparing the truth about how I felt. I never took the time to explore the feeling and find out where they were coming from. I was so intrigued by the feelings and the fact that I hadn't felt that way in so long that I just sank my teeth in and was very reluctant to unclench my jaw. 

Just because you want it doesn't mean it's meant for you. Just because it looks good, doesn't mean it's actually good or better yet good for you. 

Test every spirit. Try every emotion. Feelings aren't facts. Fallacies can cause real harm and in a situation like this you would only find yourself breaking your own heart. Clinging to something that never gave you much to grab on to--you are only allowed to have blind faith in God. 

Take it from me, God's got you, for real! 

 1 John 4:1 "Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world."

If this resonates with you, just know:

- Proverbs 4:23  

  “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.”  

  → You didn’t just guard your heart—you discerned the cost of distraction.

- Ecclesiastes 3:6–7  

  “A time to gain, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew…”  

  → You knew when to release what never began.

- Proverbs 14:8  

  “The wisdom of the prudent is to understand his way, but the folly of fools is deceit.”  

  → You saw through shallow pursuit and chose wisdom over flattery.

- 1 Corinthians 2:15  

  “But he who is spiritual judges all things, yet he himself is rightly judged by no one.”  

  → Your discernment was spiritual, even when your need to be held blurred it.

- Hosea 6:1  

  “Come, and let us return to the Lord; for He has torn, but He will heal us…”  

  → You strayed, but you returned. That’s testimony.

- Revelation 2:4–5  

  “Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent…”  

  → You named the drift. You repented. You refocused.

- Psalm 51:10–12  

  “Create in me a clean heart, O God… Restore to me the joy of Your salvation…”  

  → Your prayer life was under attack, but you cried out for restoration.

- Joel 2:25  

  “So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten…”  

  → Even the time lost to distraction will be redeemed.

- Ephesians 6:12  

  “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities…”  

  → The battle wasn’t just emotional—it was spiritual.

- 2 Corinthians 10:4–5  

  “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God…”  

  → You didn’t just walk away—you warred in the spirit.

- Romans 8:28  

  “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God…”  

  → Even the false start, the ache, the distraction—it’s being woven into purpose.

- Philippians 3:14  

  “I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”  

  → You’re back on track. Focused. Called. Unfolding.

spiritual distraction, emotional clarity, guarding your heart and spirit, testing the spirits, false starts and discernment, ministry under attack, returning to purpose, repentance and refocus, clarity over chemistry, wisdom in relationships, no more potential projects, spiritual warfare and resilience, prayer life restoration, feminine strength and surrender, releasing what never began, choosing God over connection, healing through obedience, testimony in progress, divine redirection, sacred boundaries